Thursday, September 6

One Lonely Late Night, I Remember

It's another late night (problem one). I want to finish a book I'm about 3/4 of the way through before next week, but I'm so easily distracted that I get online for one to three things and end up checking out probably two dozen (problem two). You know how it goes. The interwebs is (are?) a very interesting place full of just about anything you can imagine or want to know.

And in my meanderings, original goal possibly maybe fulfilled and long forgotten, I happened upon a blog post in which a woman mentions that she has her husband to fall back on. Nothing wrong with that; it's splendid and a huge blessing for her. But jealousy comes in different forms and is a wily beast...a parasite. And sometimes a fear. (problem three)

I want a partner to travel the roads of this life with. And as I am and have always been single, I sometimes wonder if I truly need another person--a peer, a teammate, a man, a husband. I've gotten this far and am making steps forward with life. If something truly needs done, I do it. Over the years, I've juggled and handled with moderate grace more things than I'd thought I could. What if I don't need a husband? What if I'm just fine on my own until I'm 91 and dying? What if I can handle the next sixty plus years as a single woman, on my own without any backup? Does that mean that's my future? These thoughts frighten me.

That life sounds lonely.

I know I'm not out on my own yet, but I will be. And I know I won't ever be completely alone: I'll still have my relatives and friends. Someday I plan to have a dog. Most importantly, the Holy Spirit abides in me, Jesus intercedes for me, and God the Father leads me. That's hardly alone (though I admit it often feels alone [...problem four]).

I want someone to mutually take care of. Marriage in all its mucky, gritty, intimate, loving, hopeful glory. But there are times I catch myself worrying (problem five) that I won't need it, so I won't get it. I'm too tough or too independent (those of you who know me, I'll wait for you to stop laughing...) to need a marriage relationship.

Earlier I was slightly marveling that I was cleaning away spiderwebs like they were no big deal when normally I will avoid them and pretend I can't see them just so I don't have to risk heebie jeebies. Or spiders crawling up my arm. But I handled the situation. I knew I could so I just went at it and did. (Like I was an adult or something!)

Around home I periodically joke "Reason # ___ Why I Need to Get Married". (To my ironic delight, opening up jars is not one of those reasons as long as I have this handy thing nearby.) But those are all in jest; I know I could find some other method, including do it myself, to take care of the need or want that a husband could meet. Spiders needing squished, peptalks and encouraging words, toilets needing plunged, communicating with the repairman, day/road/plane trips to somewhere new, budget planning.... Or I could simply do without. Cuddling up on a rainy day (okay, really any day), romantic dinners...anywhere, sex, going home to our home, being protected, talking about dreams and wishes and hopes before the day ends, having a partner for life, being wanted as a partner for life....
(*Please note, I know a husband is not for "honey do" lists and spider slaying with no other purpose, benefit, or need. [Though spider slaying would be a perk.] These two lists are just things that quickly came to mind and are not intended to be exhaustive.)

::sigh:: So, traveling this familiar path of I-don't-know's and will-I-ever's (problem six), I remembered a quote by Paige Benton that I saw in a book about people in the Bible who were single (and can be found in her article which I found here. The quote is good, and the whole article is worth a read.) Honestly in the moment it's hard to swallow, but at the same time I know it's true, and after a little bit of thinking through, it helps recenter my thoughts:

I am not single because I am too spiritually unstable to possibly deserve a husband, nor because I am too spiritually mature to need one. I am single because God is so abundantly good to me, because this is his best for me. It is a cosmic impossibility that anything could be better for me right now than being single. The psalmists confirm that I should not want, I shall not want, because no good thing will God withhold from me.

So for now I'm single. And for now I'm learning how to be single well, however long I remain such. Whatever happens next, it will be because God is so abundantly good to me.



  1. You so much remind me of myself some 15-20ish years ago (egads...has it been that long?)I can tell you this, somehow God manages to give us a life more full of everything, even in the face of our doubts, concerns, wishes, or dreams. God also does it with a flair for "surprise! I bet you did not imagine this." That is difficult to explain sometimes. When we really get down to living and being content with our lives and we really feel it deeply in our souls...contentment. God has this way of handing us more, more blessings, more challanges, just more. Sometimes, when He is in a particularly silly mood he gives us more even when we have not mastered soul deep contentment yet! (I am convinced God has a fathomless and well adjusted sense of fun myself.) When (if) a Godly mate finds you, you will be an absolute treasure to him.

    1. Aw, thanks, Josie. Kind and encouraging words. And I'm in the midst of one of those "surprise! I bet you did not imagine this" seasons. Knocks my socks off the opportunities that just came to me. Even if I don't get all or any of them, just that they came up is a blessing. Yahweh is good all time time.