Seasons of Ending

Three years ago I spent New Year's Eve in contemplation. It was one of the first times I embraced that it wasn't necessary to be happy happy joy joy in a group setting, and I was thinking about my grandmother.

She had been diagnosed with cancer, and no one expected her to live much longer. Months. We hadn't given up on her, but I still knew the loss would be coming, and I didn't know what to do with it or how to handle it. I loved my grandmother, but we never particularly got along. We tried, and we both ended up rubbing the other the wrong way, and after a while neither of us knew how to make amends or try again. It's not that we couldn't do things together at all, we just didn't know how to get to know each other deeper.

And that was a loss.

So on New Year's Eve, late at night, a friend showed a video of a song he loved. It's a good song, and I say now it's a good video. At the time, though, I couldn't watch it without aching and wanting for all the world to cry, tears streaming right there unashamedly and uncontested.

But I don't show "negative" emotions well. At the time it was a stretch for me to curl up on the oversized armchair, chin and arm draped low on the armrest, and ponder life while friends around me continued on unaffected. It was a challenge for me to go to the other room which was dark and empty, cradled by the gaming rocker, and let the pent up aches and emptiness of pending loss seep out my skin and trickle down my face in silence.

I knew I wouldn't be found. I knew my emotions wouldn't change the atmosphere. I knew I wouldn't be comforted.

In a way, I didn't want to be. Because sometimes when comfort is offered it's like a stopper to the raw feelings that desperately need poured out. I need space to ooze, even melt a little, and I don't like dripping on other people, so I close up the window in my wall around me, the window I sometimes open to let the inside air out. It's one-way and it's not a door. I can open it out, but no one can come in. Even with a passing, kind observer, I'm tempted to pull the curtain down so nothing inside can be even seen.

That New Year's Eve I embraced the season of ending that filled my life. I mourned. I stayed quiet. And I cried. I also rose, joined in partaking the sparkling juice, and cheerfully enough wished everyone a happy new year ahead. All the while knowing pain was coming my way.

This New Year's Eve I have realized I'm in another kind of season of endings. Since the past six or so months, I've said goodbyes and until-next-times with nearly everyone I know. I left one place, what had been my world, and came to visit another, finding ways to slowly integrate and learn the local happenings of life and make friendships. But I'm still in the season of ending. I'm still thinking of my home, still wondering if I could make this new place my home, still yearning to find my heart home.

This new year that is upon us will greet some of us like a new puppy, bubbling over with delight and readiness, some of us like a slow grave digger, with reminders of what was and will forever be changed, things that are forever beyond our reach now, and some of us like something inbetween.

This eve, I'm in another season of ending, and I don't feel like celebrating. I feel like pondering, sitting in that poofy armchair, and finding a safe place to cry if the tears will come.

But this time there is no party to seek solace from, no group of friends around when I'm ready to join the crowd again and celebrate.

This time I'm marking the change in the calendar with little more than I give any other day. And that is another part in my season of endings. The friendships aren't gone, but for now, the reach is a lot harder, the rooms a lot farther.

So long, 2013.

One Word 2013

A year ago I learned about the idea to choose one word instead of making a list of New Year's Resolutions. Yes, please, I loved the idea right away having many times been frustrated by lists, lists, lists. I either could never come up with things for a list that I actually cared about or I knew the list wouldn't last beyond the first three weeks of January. Or both.

At first I didn't know what my word would or could be. But two things happened and I had it in an instant. My sister-in-law had mentioned One Word 365 and that she chose to keep her word private and personal. I knew I could pick a word if I didn't have pressure to share it, because I knew it would be an intimate thing. Then I read the post that explains One Word 365 and mentions that if the word doesn't scare you, that's not the right word. 

My heart skipped a beat as my word for 2013 slammed into it like a clingy ping pong ball. I knew my word. I knew there was no going back. And I knew I had to try.

I feared failing, and just as much I feared succeeding. Because my word would turn my world upside down if I let it. Which is exactly what I wanted, and exactly what I feared.

My word seemed impossible.

It was also the thing I wanted most.

I started strong but directionless, trying to find ways to live my word out in the little things. Life is daily, and so was my word. It was encouragement, it was a challenge.

There were brief seasons the whole thing slipped my mind, but the word always came back, ready to urge me onward.

And there were days I saw my life taking the shape of my word as I made hard choices while keeping it in mind.

It seemed impossible, yet here at the year's end, I have embraced and lived my word for 2013 more perhaps than I ever have before. And because of it, I'm looking forward to how much I will own it and live it out in ten years because I took the first steps now.

My word was FREE.

Now I'm looking forward to the next year and the next word. I’m not sure what it is yet, and I feel a bit like I'm trying too hard to find it. I'm not sure the fear will feel the same as it did last year, because last year my word was terrifying, and also I've seen what incredible things can happen in my life with a focus on one word for the bigger picture. Though I haven't quite found my word for 2014 yet, I think I'm close. I'm hoping it will clutch my heart and hold on fast much like free did. This year I'm more hopeful and a little bit less scared.

This perfect girl is gone, too.

I'm not sure I can say how much I love the song "Let It Go" and its scene from the movie Frozen. If you haven't watched the movie yet, I highly recommend it, and also, this post will have spoilers. Don't worry, we can squeal over it together after you've seen it. I'll be here.


Now then, you've seen it?

Isn't it awesome?!

Here, let's see it again:

::happy sigh::

So, Elsa and this song touched me as powerfully as the end of Tangled did, but for a different reason. With Eugene's act, I saw Jesus reflected. With Elsa's freedom, I feel her realization, joy, and transformation of acceptance.

I'm struggling for the words, but the depth of my groans just don't translate well in the blogosphere. Auuggh! Okay, I had to. I just can't get enough of this song! (Seriously, I've been watching it two or three dozen times while writing this post.)

I ached with Elsa as a child, fearing something was wrong with her, that she could only hurt others, growing up hiding from everyone and everything. It wasn't the right choice, and we know when we're watching that it's not the right choice, yet it's exactly the sort of thing that we do in our own lives every day.

Everyone completely missed that her power can be beautiful.

And when she let's it go...it's stunning. The snow, the ice, the things she can do with them, and the freedom smile that makes her glow.

Yet there's also the hint that Elsa could become dangerous, just like everyone feared. She could become a villain at this point. She fully embraces who she is, and it's distinctly different than what she was told she had to be all her life. Seeing that change is a bit scary to me, to know how starkly different the two are. To know that very contrast is also possible in me. Her transformation is so complete that we know she might go too far if someone pushes her now. This is who she is, and she is powerful and passionate, embracing all of who she is including the raging storm within her.

She is both majestic and dangerous. And really, when we embrace the truth of our own selves, aren't we as well?

What I'm Into November 2013, or Things I'm Thankful For

I've been watching Leigh Kramer's What I'm Into posts, enjoying them, and wanting to participate. Now I'm finally going to do it!

An old friend acquaintance sent a message earlier today that got me thinking about the things I've done lately, and I realized quite a few things of note happened last month.

All month:

So, first off, in October I wrote a post about National Novel Writing Month and my intention to participate again. The goal of 50,000 words daunted me working full time and living in a new home, but the pattern of it quickly became a comfort. The set up of my word processor, music, and earbuds became a ritual; I was entering sacred space and I loved it. There were a few times I fell behind and wondered if I could catch up, but I allowed myself grace at the same time that I required words. It was a funny balance, but I learned about my own writing mechanics. I also pantsed the entire story to date, allowing more freedom for the silly and nonsensical, time travel you know and all that. I still write serious and need to work on my humor (funny is hard!), but the characters and events are better for my lack of a strict outline. On November 29th, I reached that longed for word count milestone. On November 30th I wrote some more because the story wasn't done and I had the itch to keep writing. And so I did, and so I shall.

In addition to writing, I indulged in as much Doctor Who as I could, catching up on all the series before the 50th anniversary episode, when my household had a party with Jammie Dodgers, Jelly Babies, popcorn, and more. I love that show, and the 50th anniversary episode did not disappoint.

After The Day of the Doctor, Peter Capaldi's eyebrows showed up in a game my brother and sister-in-law played on each other. I was the unintended victim a couple of times, and it was great. Eventually it escalated, and the 12th Doctor's eyes were vandaleyes'd. No pic of that, though, sorry.

Last month, I was also told that I am an empath. I hadn't realized such a thing was a real-life possibility and not just the stuff of superheroes and fiction, but it explains so much of my past and present, how I experience life and other people. I'm keeping my eyes open for more resources and information on this subject.

Firsts:

It's hard to believe it was such a short time ago now, but in November, on a beautiful, fresh Sunday afternoon, a friend took me to see the ocean, which I had never seen with my own eyes before. I knew I'd be going back and I already have once.

The last morning of November was spent on a yacht, traversing the harbor with the family. It was great to get out and do something with everyone, and the admission price was a present for Toys for Tots, which my niece was very excited about giving. Near the end of the trip, the boat went under the bridge pictured below. It's huge and amazing (it's actually one of my favorite places in the area--the view!). I lingered outside, taking in the vastness of the bridge, sky, water, and breeze. Also, no pictures, but I caught my first glimpse of a dolphin jumping out of the water!

Travel:

Midmonth, I went to Columbia and drank coffee. To clarify, I did not leave the country, or even the state. I headed to South Carolina's capitol city and watched a dear friend, a wonderful and inspiring woman, graduate from basic training. After the ceremony, I had the blessed time of enjoying an Olive Garden lunch and caramel macchiato with her and her family, some of my favorite people. It was so, so good to see them, and so hard to leave.

Reading:

I started reading Jesus Feminist (which I knew about primarily through my sister-in-law and Leigh Kramer, so thanks, ladies!), and it is amazing. I'd say my viewpoint on "women's roles" has changed even in the last couple of weeks, and for the better, in part due to this book's examination of how we live and what should be normal. I'm not through the book yet, but I don't expect it to take much longer.

It's also been a month since John Flanagan's book The Royal Ranger came out and I haven't read it yet! I pre-ordered, then decided to wait until December so I wouldn't be rushing through it (I anticipated bleed-over rush pace from writing so fast in November). Then I decided I should read one book at a time (I forget why, something about focus), and I started Jesus Feminist first. But this one is next (sorry, Jane Eyre) since I've been anticipating it for months.

Listening:

Like many, I have been introduced to Pentatonix's performance of The Little Drummer Boy, one of my favorite Christmas songs, and loved it. I'd heard their cover of Radioactive with Lindsey Stirling and liked it, but didn't know what I was listening to. Now I do and Pentatonix has a new fan. I love a sound that is full even without instruments.



Whew! It's been an odd, interesting, and typical month, jam packed with the ordinary and realizations, routine and special events. It's been even fuller than I'd realized. And I didn't even mention Thanksgiving, with my niece and brother racing on the Wii, or the fact that my list of "what I'm thankful for" was simple and I was too embarrassed to give one that was heartfelt. I do have a lot to be thankful for, and I'm learning how to express that, in the special and the ordinary both. This blog list is a good start.


So. What are you into?