My Latest Fashion, Part Two

Home sick today, so tell my boss I'm sleeping (because I was and am about to be again), but I also wanted to share how my wardrobe is now more manageable. As I'm tired and my head is getting fuzzy again, I'll keep this brief.

So, sometime before moving last summer, I heard about the Dressing Your Truth online class. I'd long been frustrated with the full-closet-and-I have-nothing-to-wear syndrome, so I signed up. With the class I learned about movement energy, and which energy I tend to express most, and what to look for in clothes that will compliment my natural energy.

Sooo many hangers. Bye bye!

I tried to follow through, but I had timed it badly with moving, and moving had a higher priority than reworking my fashion, especially as that was a deadline that wouldn't budge. So, I tried paring down my wardrobe, keeping only the pieces that suited my type (or that I really loved anyway), and I made some notable progress, but when push came to shove, I ended up packing just about every single thing in the closet.

Fast forward several months, and I'd grown quite tired of shifting hangers around, trying to find the clothes I liked, wanted, and needed. So I'd began reading up on how to do a minimal wardrobe, or capsule wardrobe, something I'd thought would be a good idea for me for a long, long time. So when my last three day weekend came around, I decided it was time. (Right after I got my hair cut. And on that note, it's amazing how clothes can look and feel different with a new 'do. Taking care of both on the same weekend was a good choice.)

I did a fair bit of looking around online. Pinterest was actually one of my first stops in addition to a Google search. There's quite a bit out there on the topic. The blogs I found to be most helpful can be found here, here, and here. Most sites and links I found focus on a goal of 30-40 items (some had a goal of fewer, but the most important point in all of them was to work with yourself and what you want), and some mention having different capsule wardrobes for different seasons.

I looked for lists of must-haves and instructions on how to pare things down, then I just went for it. The "rules" were my guidelines but not requirements. I just started with finding what I truly loved the best, and got rid of what I knew I didn't but had until now felt obligated to keep. I divided things into type (shirt, dress, skirt, jacket, pants), and tried most everything on unless I knew I'd want to keep it. My mantra as I tried on piece after piece, determining if I liked the look and feel and if it would go with anything else, or as I pulled something I knew I didn't want off a hanger was, "I don't owe _____." I didn't owe any person who may have gifted me the garment. I didn't owe any sentimentality of what once was. And I certainly didn't owe the clothing itself (though I often felt as if I did!). What I did owe, what I did want, was my own peace and not to be owned by my closet. That kept me going.

Ta da!
...I'm getting a sense of naturally preferred color scheme/tone here.

I didn't take any before pictures, because I was focused and in the moment, and hadn't thought I'd be blogging about it and oh a comparison for effect would be good. Ah well. Just ooo and ahh and trust me when I say this is impressive.

I'm not quite done as there are some garments not pictured that I haven't decided what to do with yet, I'm pretty sure I ought to thin down how many jackets I have, and I haven't looked at most of what's in my chest of drawers, but the current count of hangers in my closet for shirts, skirts, dresses, and pants? 37. (And 5 sweaters, which I did go through, but they go in the drawers.)

The in-progress end result is several bags stuffed full of perfectly good clothes that other people can enjoy, and I can see what I own at a glance, and quickly figure out ways that most pieces will go with others, for an easier to enjoy wardrobe than I remember ever having before.

I'll keep working on it. There are still some things I think I want to pare down more or replace. But I got the bulk of it done, and getting dressed in the morning has been a whole lot easier not having to play the clothing version of Tetris every day.

Have you ever attempted a capsule wardrobe? Did you succeed?


Now I'm back to bed. The Teddy Grahams are calling and my eyelids are falling.

My Latest Fashion, Part One

The loud airy buzz of the dryer stopped. "Ready?" the salon owner asked.

"Most definitely."

She spun me around to look in the mirror. I don't know what exactly I had been expecting to see, but with the first glance at my reflection, I was glad to own being me.

~~

I love long weekends because that extra day transforms an ordinary weekend into a stage of opportunities. Things I've long wanted to do suddenly have ample time. All I have to do is step up and risk being seen. What narrative shall I live this time?

I'd been thinking about it for a while, though 1) no one but my household knew and 2) it was drastic enough that it would likely surprise just about every single person I know. (Granted that was part of the attraction. I'm turning into such a rebel.) So, on Thursday, I called and made my appointment. I was going to risk surprising people and being seen. I had chosen something I wanted, because I wanted it, and followed through without further hemming and hawing. (Growth! More on this in a later post on the Enneagram.) ((Update: I snuck a mini post on the Enneagram inside this one which is now up.))

I got my very first ever pixie haircut.

A Christmas-time Before

At the salon, I was fearless. I finally had no serious sentimental attatchement to my hair. It had always been some form of long since I was little until very recently. My last short cut was a wavy, poofy bob. And that was more than a year ago. This time, my once again longer than shoulder length hair was going away. I wasn't going to regret it, even if I didn't like the look very much. I was ready. Ready for a change, ready to surprise, ready to not have hair fall into my face and mouth, or get caught by purse straps and puullll. But I hoped and thought I could like the new look.


Perhaps my reasons are part defiance, a challenge and an acknowledgement to myself that who I was is not who I am now, another step in getting settled in my new life and my braver me. Part experiment. I wasn't sure if it would work with my face, but I wanted to find out. And part devil-may-care. After all, why not? It's just hair. It will grow. And I figured if I wanted it, I could rock it

At the heart of it, I wanted to be me and seen as me, not what anybody says or expects I need to be. Whether I'll keep it pixie short or not, I don't know. It might not even matter. What matters most is I went after something I wanted for myself. I followed through.

~~

"Do you like it?" she asked as I stared into the mirror, mouth agape.

"I like it a lot!"

I felt fabulous.

Stay tuned for My Latest Fashion, Part Two. The wardrobe.

 

We Heart Books, a Virtual Book Exchange!

Yay! I just submitted my form to participate in the We Heart Books, a virtual book exchange!  I found out about it thanks to the lovely Leigh Kramer, and immediately knew I wanted to participate. I just wasn't sure if I could follow through. Something about doubting senses and gravy and...nevermind. Thing is, I'm in and I'm excited! I can hardly wait to find out who I'm matched up with and get him or her a book!

If a book swap sounds like something up your alley, there's still time to join in. The basic idea is to decide if you prefer paperback or ebook, fill out the form, wait for your match, and then find a new or gently used book under $10 to swap away! (Paperbacks are an option for United States and Canada residents. International folks should check the ebook box.) The form opened up on Monday and will be available through Saturday, the 18th.

In addition to this being a crazy, cool idea that spans a huge area, my favorite part may be the welcome (without being required) open-endedness of creativity in your package if you want to ship a paperback yourself.

I'm not really looking for a must-have book, although I was thinking of that Doctor Who: 11 Doctors, 11 Stories paperback (over $10, though), but I'm excited for sure to see if I'm given a new love. And I'm tickled to be part of an exchange of this size. I love it when the world is large and the world is small and I am part of it with many others. It makes me feel alive.

See all the details and awesomeness our three hostesses, Emily, Kalyn, and Katie, put together over here at the We Heart Books site.


Are you in? What's on your wishlist?

What I'm Into - December 2013

I don't feel like I was into much last month, but there are a few highlights worth noting. Alas, this is the second time I'm writing this post, as everything was erased, so I'm not going to make it in time for the linkup, but you can check out Leigh Kramer's December post and see the other awesome bloggers who've joined here. It's a good series, cool people, and worth some time.


I like the chance to think over what's been happening over the last month. It reminds me of what my life is, how much has actually happened, and how meaningful what I choose is. It's an opportunity to see where I've been, who I've become, and maybe where I'll be going next.

Last month, it didn't feel like I did much more than work, Christmas shopping and wrapping and shipping, and rest. Once I got past the stresses of being away from home at Christmas for the first time, I quite enjoyed it.

I attended an Episcopal church for Advent and found that I was getting used to the services, and glad for the liturgy. I'm still learning and deciding what to do for church attendance, but there are many things that I find I quite like about the Episcopal church.

So there was Christmas, and there was more, and remembering makes me grateful.

Reading: 

I read five books in December, one of which was the final book in one of my favorite series, The Ranger's Apprentice. Long anticipated, it didn't disappoint. I loved spending time with my favorite characters, meeting a new one, and seeing how time has changed them. Flanagan managed to break my heart and put it back together with laughter and perseverance. The story has a few, deliberate parallels with the first few books, which adds to the nostalgia, yet it is uniquely its own tale. I love these books and the final one was sad but beautiful. (Though I still want to ask "but whhyyyy?")

For Christmas, my sister-in-law and brother gave me the book format of Neil Gaiman's "Make Good Art" graduation speech. The words are inspiring, challenging, and encouraging, and the book is visually creative and fabulous. Neil Gaiman and Chip Kidd certainly made their own rules, and the whole piece is better for it. As soon as I had a solid chunk of time, I read it in one sitting, and promptly pulled up my current novel and risked some wonderful mistakes.

For 2013 I had challenged myself to read 25 books before the year ended. I knew I could read more than I had been, and I wanted to see it happen. I've been enjoying keeping track of my reading progress with Goodreads, and you can find what I'm reading there. At the end of the year, I'd recorded 35 books (five of which were by Neil Gaiman...I feel like a stalker). Nearly all of the children's picture books I peruse on any given day didn't get recorded. I'm not sure why. Some of them are quite fabulous, and should be noted. This year, I think I'll change that.

Listening:

After seeing Frozen early in the month, I just could not get enough of the song "Let It Go" and I'm not sure I would want to. (I actually went to see the movie twice, not something I do often, but Frozen was worth every penny.) Among many and many other reasons, I geek out that the song includes the word "fractals". I mean how cool is that? I love how fiction and song reflect, inform, and inspire real life. There were other factors involved, but it isn't a coincidence that I shared that I am an empath on the same day that I saw Frozen (the first time).

And when my sister-in-law found the Frozen soundtrack at Target, she bought it for me. So the last few days of December to now, I've had the songs dancing in my head quite a bit. So good. There's nothing quite like driving to "Vuelie" surrounding me with the fresh daylight or stunning sunset over the river.

Out and About:

I learned first hand that 3:30am has beautiful traffic, no joke, when I took my friend to the airport so she could go home for Christmas.

Went with my sister-in-law and niece to a local ice skating show. It was like a dance recital but with blades, coldness all around, and, you know, ice. Very neat and I had a great time. Hoping to see Tim Dolensky on the TV for the competition on Sunday. He clearly loves skating and is good at it. I love his choreography and freshness he takes to the ice.

Aubrey and I took an evening and headed out to the Festival of Lights. We saw everything from aliens and the solar system, to the Ravenel Bridge, to an owl peering down at us and a patriotic eagle. We listened to Josh Groban wish us a merry Christmas and chatted as we drove through the display.

Odds and Ends:

I got woefully behind in writing to friends, practiced a bit of honest expression with people I don't know very well when they came to visit, grabbed more books and movies from the library than I can possibly carry at one time, shared my one word for 2013 and chose a new one for 2014. I like my new word for 2014, but it's awfully big.

At New Year's Eve, I had no plans and no party to go to, but that was okay. I didn't much feel like celebrating. 2013 had been good, and in some ways, I was sorry to see it go. In other ways, the new year would just be a continuation of the present. And that brings us to now, to January, to 2014. If I knew a little better where I was going from here, I think the new year would excite me more. For now, I'm content to take it one day at a time.



Have you been into anything this last month that you want to share? Pull up a chair; I've got some tea...

What I'm Into November 2013, or Things I'm Thankful For

I've been watching Leigh Kramer's What I'm Into posts, enjoying them, and wanting to participate. Now I'm finally going to do it!

An old friend acquaintance sent a message earlier today that got me thinking about the things I've done lately, and I realized quite a few things of note happened last month.

All month:

So, first off, in October I wrote a post about National Novel Writing Month and my intention to participate again. The goal of 50,000 words daunted me working full time and living in a new home, but the pattern of it quickly became a comfort. The set up of my word processor, music, and earbuds became a ritual; I was entering sacred space and I loved it. There were a few times I fell behind and wondered if I could catch up, but I allowed myself grace at the same time that I required words. It was a funny balance, but I learned about my own writing mechanics. I also pantsed the entire story to date, allowing more freedom for the silly and nonsensical, time travel you know and all that. I still write serious and need to work on my humor (funny is hard!), but the characters and events are better for my lack of a strict outline. On November 29th, I reached that longed for word count milestone. On November 30th I wrote some more because the story wasn't done and I had the itch to keep writing. And so I did, and so I shall.

In addition to writing, I indulged in as much Doctor Who as I could, catching up on all the series before the 50th anniversary episode, when my household had a party with Jammie Dodgers, Jelly Babies, popcorn, and more. I love that show, and the 50th anniversary episode did not disappoint.

After The Day of the Doctor, Peter Capaldi's eyebrows showed up in a game my brother and sister-in-law played on each other. I was the unintended victim a couple of times, and it was great. Eventually it escalated, and the 12th Doctor's eyes were vandaleyes'd. No pic of that, though, sorry.

Last month, I was also told that I am an empath. I hadn't realized such a thing was a real-life possibility and not just the stuff of superheroes and fiction, but it explains so much of my past and present, how I experience life and other people. I'm keeping my eyes open for more resources and information on this subject.

Firsts:

It's hard to believe it was such a short time ago now, but in November, on a beautiful, fresh Sunday afternoon, a friend took me to see the ocean, which I had never seen with my own eyes before. I knew I'd be going back and I already have once.

The last morning of November was spent on a yacht, traversing the harbor with the family. It was great to get out and do something with everyone, and the admission price was a present for Toys for Tots, which my niece was very excited about giving. Near the end of the trip, the boat went under the bridge pictured below. It's huge and amazing (it's actually one of my favorite places in the area--the view!). I lingered outside, taking in the vastness of the bridge, sky, water, and breeze. Also, no pictures, but I caught my first glimpse of a dolphin jumping out of the water!

Travel:

Midmonth, I went to Columbia and drank coffee. To clarify, I did not leave the country, or even the state. I headed to South Carolina's capitol city and watched a dear friend, a wonderful and inspiring woman, graduate from basic training. After the ceremony, I had the blessed time of enjoying an Olive Garden lunch and caramel macchiato with her and her family, some of my favorite people. It was so, so good to see them, and so hard to leave.

Reading:

I started reading Jesus Feminist (which I knew about primarily through my sister-in-law and Leigh Kramer, so thanks, ladies!), and it is amazing. I'd say my viewpoint on "women's roles" has changed even in the last couple of weeks, and for the better, in part due to this book's examination of how we live and what should be normal. I'm not through the book yet, but I don't expect it to take much longer.

It's also been a month since John Flanagan's book The Royal Ranger came out and I haven't read it yet! I pre-ordered, then decided to wait until December so I wouldn't be rushing through it (I anticipated bleed-over rush pace from writing so fast in November). Then I decided I should read one book at a time (I forget why, something about focus), and I started Jesus Feminist first. But this one is next (sorry, Jane Eyre) since I've been anticipating it for months.

Listening:

Like many, I have been introduced to Pentatonix's performance of The Little Drummer Boy, one of my favorite Christmas songs, and loved it. I'd heard their cover of Radioactive with Lindsey Stirling and liked it, but didn't know what I was listening to. Now I do and Pentatonix has a new fan. I love a sound that is full even without instruments.



Whew! It's been an odd, interesting, and typical month, jam packed with the ordinary and realizations, routine and special events. It's been even fuller than I'd realized. And I didn't even mention Thanksgiving, with my niece and brother racing on the Wii, or the fact that my list of "what I'm thankful for" was simple and I was too embarrassed to give one that was heartfelt. I do have a lot to be thankful for, and I'm learning how to express that, in the special and the ordinary both. This blog list is a good start.


So. What are you into?

Change of Seasons

Autumn is priming the pump in Charleston. The days still warm up, but there are several that start and stay cool. Evenings are lovely. The windows are open.

In Oklahoma, it seemed as if we had one or two false starts to fall. Two to four days would be cool, maybe even a touch chilly, but then the fifth day would warm right back up for another week or two before it cooled down again and eventually stayed cool. Someone told me the weather does that here, too, they guessed. But to me it seems more like a preparation than a false start, reset the timer, and line up at the starting blocks to try again.

And with the change of seasons in my new home, I'm changing too. Getting settled. Transitioning. Learning new patterns.

For instance, today I went to the local, annual Friends of the Library booksale, and I didn't buy everything that I thought I might want to read sometime. The "sometime" books I can store at the library until I want them. I didn't even buy the one I was tempted to just because I knew it's a great book (the 1998 edition of The Care and Keeping of You, in case you wanted to know, a good approach to preteen girls on what changes their bodies are going or will go through and how it's perfectly normal...if memory serves). I will admit, I had to have a little help recognizing that, no, I did not need to own a copy of that one.

But this boarder hoarder is learning. Yes, I have a bookshelf now, so yes, I have a place to put more books, but that doesn't mean I need or even want to fill the whole thing up to brimming. Honestly, I don't think I ever want my life to be that full of just stuff again. And so, I kept my purchases down to favorites I was looking for and favorites I didn't already have that I would like to have on hand.



Then I went to the craft store, and my delight in the autumn season came forth. So many decorations! So many options! Forty percent off!

But, I kept it simple. Not more than I could carry. And not more than I had immediate design and purpose for--I can go back for more of their tempting, fun supplies when I have specific plans. All I wanted was just enough to spruce things up. Just enough to have something nice without ever coming close to the overwhelming it's-too-much-to-do-so-I-won't-do-anything mark.

Abundant pleasure from a few things.

Yes, I think my season is changing too.

Practicing Purposeful

This Labor Day weekend was an exercise in my word of the year. This Labor Day weekend, I made the most of my days by deciding what the things I really truly actually wanted to do most were. One must-do per day.

Of course, as days are long it evolved into divisions by time of day (morning, afternoon, after dinner), but I had a focus point. "Today I really want to spend some time ________________________." And it was different each day. Each thing required me to say no to the other, the unessential. Each thing required me to step up and pursue my life. I was--I am--pursuing what I want to do and who I want to be. I want to be a person unafraid to do what matters most to me. I want to be a person unafraid to choose what is most important to me.

Monday: Looked for books and did some writing at Barnes & Noble

I still did things for others. My personal list didn't interfere with being a contributing member of this household. And therein is the beauty. A balance with boundaries. Some for me; some for you. No one is cheated; no one is overextended.

Sunday: I remember sitting in a photo booth with my aunt years ago. Good times.

Does the weekend have to end?


Well, these days on the calendar do, of course. That's the nature of time. But this practice, why does it have to be only on long weekends, or non-work-days in general? Sure there are a limited number of minutes in a day. But that's why being purposeful with those minutes is so good. Not being obsessed--sometimes the timing won't work out or other things will take precedence over what I planned or wanted; that happens to everyone and it happened this weekend. So I just chose something else that was possible that I really wanted to do rather than wasting the time doing things that weren't important to me. Purposeful.

And that's what I've been practicing this weekend.

Saturday: Oh yes. I colored my hair for the first time ever. And probably not the last.

Happy Labor Day Weekend!

Living More

Since uprooting and traveling across half the country from my beloved Oklahoma to the unknown coast (which I still have not gone to see the ocean; I should get on that), starting my first ever paying full time job, and slowly unpacking the numerous boxes in my room...I feel like I do a lot more living.

I come home tired and so ready to be home. But when I think of all that's happened in the day, and then what I can still do after dinner (tea party with my niece, perhaps, or emptying several more boxes and tidying my fantastic room, or cleaning, or a Doctor Who marathon to name a few possibilities), the feeling is a not-quite-formed word of a good thing.

I think it could be... a little less defined by Other.

Obviously some days are more difficult, and sometimes I wonder why on earth I'm on the path I've chosen. At least those are good for reality checks. Yes, I am where I want to be. No, it's not perfect, but...

I'm becoming more myself.

That's what I needed.

I'm exploring. And that's something I've wanted to do for years and years, even before I could imagine having the determination and the guts to actually, positively, this is no longer in my imagination only step out. I'm exploring the world around me, including my new city. I'm exploring the friendships I have, and getting to know new people. I'm exploring who I am. And I believe that this will lead me toward exploring who God is.

But that is a step for another time. For now, this babe out of the womb just needs to know how far her fingers stretch.

I feel more actively involved in life. I don't entirely like being gone from the house for such a long stretch of the day, nor having limited time and energy to pursue my other interests and desires (sigh, writing fiction). But I do like trying on this purpose, the service I provide.

I meet a lot of people every day. People are different. Each one. They are Not Me. And I am Other Than Them. As it should be. And this is teaching me.

And I feel involved in life.

Isn't that a good thing?

The Tipping Point

It's been a long time coming, and once that tipping point arrives, there is no slowing down the follow through. It will come and it will be swift.

I'd been thinking about it for months, did I want to, did I have what it took, could I choose almost blindly, praying for faith at the same time that I exercised it?

The tipping point came when the theoretical turned tangible.


"Norman took the job in Charleston."

I blinked. It was only yesterday that there had been the faintest other possibility, not one that would be great. This, however, was exactly what we'd all been waiting for. Whether or not it was the where we'd been waiting for, well that would remain to be seen.

"He...he got the job?"

Mama nodded. "He just called."

This called for celebration! Finally, a solid tenure track position. They wouldn't have to be moving every year, my brother was getting the beginning of his dream, and more and more I'm hearing how lovely a place South Carolina is.

At the same time that I wanted to jump for joy, my world took a strange nose dive. The kind that a fighter plane takes and builds up speed. It can either swing up out of it with more momentum than ever, or it can stall out, continue to fall, and crash.

The theoretical had just become tangible.

I talked with Mama for a few more minutes about it, plying for answers, though nobody had any real details yet, just the big idea that my brother and his family once again had a new destination for the upcoming school year. Then, bubbling with excitement at all the possibilities, I climbed the stairs and faithfully logged on to Facebook. I sent one private message to two recipients. One word. "YAAAYYYY!"

Then I stepped away, though not far, and wondered how everyone's lives were about to topsy around.

A chime.

I looked. I had a new message.

From my sister-in-law.

"Did you want to come with us?"

I could feel it then, the tipping point, the door of no return, waited in front of me. My plane started diving. I was running out of time to decide.

But I had already decided a few months ago. I just had to work through my process and accept that I wouldn't know all the answers and that it would be okay anyway.

I got my final council from my closest advisor, tearfully admitted that it was what I wanted and it was even hard to say so, and finally accepted.

And then there was no stopping me.

 

It's like packing for a week long trip...without going anywhere.

Three days of dressing up (in my mind that equals anything of nicer quality than denim and simple but nice, no-logo t-shirts) with two evenings of really dressing up for use-the-correct-fork chicken dinner banquets. Oh, and a complimentary jacket with each outfit, because I know I'm gonna be cold. Ugh.

Generally speaking, I prefer low maintenance wear with a silly flair. And comfort. Always comfort.

So this conversation happened ... inside my own head:

"Is it okay to be quirky and not just...fancy? To impress people?"

"Are you quirky?"

"Yes."

"Do you enjoy being your quirky?"

"Yes."

"Heck yes, it's okay. In fact, you should."

"Whew. Okay."

I can't believe conference time is here.

 

Spring is Alive

Spring is my favorite season. It is renewal, fresh air, excited hope, open possibilities. It's alive.

It's also usually my most restless season. After my first big fight with allergies for the year, usually involving a day or two down and a week regaining my normal strength and breath (and getting rid of that nagging cough!), I feel better than ever and I'm ready to take flight. I suppose I want to make up for lost time. It doesn't matter if I have a direction or not--the one I'm traveling at any given moment will do--I just want to go. To drive. To travel. To see or try something new. To move.

Spring is energy. The grass regains its color. Fresh flowers and leaves spring up everywhere, an embrace to the change of weather. Even the sky and clouds take on a new, fresher color and vibrancy. Then the storms come. Energy colliding in a wild dance with thousands of partners in the air. Bolts of energy create the light show; thunder provides the beat. Rain quenches the thirsty performers, and sometimes hail decorates the ground like confetti.

With so much energy, so much newness, it seeps into my skin and fills me up until I can't hold still. I have to move. I have to go somewhere. I have to join the dance and freshness and do something new. I long to bloom and grow like the trees and flowers surrounding me. I ache to whip by like the fluffy clumps of cotton in the sky. I'm ready to sing like the birds and make something beautiful that was not there before as the flora do.

And yet, I'm only beginning to learn, only just guessing at how to do this. I'm ready to go in every direction, without focus. Which means I usually don't go in any direction; I just explode wherever I stand, only to build up again the next day or the next week and repeat the cycle...until suddenly spring is over and I've yet again missed the opportunity I feel every year to join the world and bloom, grow, and stretch out.

I'm afraid. Afraid of making mistakes mostly, but also afraid of accomplishing or discovering grand things. If I find out I can, I may never stop. And what then? I won't want to go back to the wading pool I'm familiar with, even if it's safer, if I discover the ocean.

This year, I hope, will not be the exact same futile cycle. This spring, I hope I'm more willing to take chances, to see that the day is full and long and waiting, and to try. This time, even if I don't know all the steps, I'm going to join the dance.

I'm alive.

My Box

I live in a box. Like one that can store treasures or collect unwanted trinkets that don't ever get thrown out. My room is a box. Like a storage unit, it can be organized or chaotic. Right now my room is like a box being sorted. Only the treasures will remain, leaving empty space so they will be visible. Some have been hidden for so long that they're hardly treasures anymore. Yet once found, remembered, I have a hard time parting with them.

But what needs more space in the box of my room? Things? Or me?

I feel most alive, perhaps most protected, when I am not confined. It's why I love a wide open sky, a low horizon, a far view. Somehow I have to create that within a confined space, and so more things must go to make room for my long limbs and brave imagination to stretch.

My box, my room, is very boring, until I add the touch of me, things that make my heart leap with joy, things that remind me of good times and the love I have from others, things that let me ponder. Snapshots of the best moments in my favorite movie. A rose from my best friend, given three Valentine's ago, hanging in the window all this time. My college graduation cap with the Tangled sun that my sister-in-law painted on top. My framed print of a cowboy riding at sunset. My bridesmaid bouquet from my brother's wedding.

I live in a box. But soon, the edges of the box will fade and the treasures will take the spotlight.

Soon, my box will be as open space.

Linking up with The RunaMuck's #concretewords prompt.

Contemplation of Heart

Lately my tears have been those of joy, hope, and thrilling love rather than pain.
Prais-ed be God, for it is not of my strength but entirely of His gift.
This time last year the tears were those of weeping with overwhelming pain, loss, and despair.

I'm ready for the new year. I'm ready for the change coming. I'm grateful for the change that's continuing.
I used to fear change.
This has been entirely good. Not entirely easy. But entirely good.

One of Many

I look forward to discovering the rest.

I grew up dreaming of how I would some day set up my own house, dreaming of qualities I wanted in my family, things I wanted us to do together, how our evenings might look. I dreamed of music in the home. I dreamed that we would have a piano, that my husband would play an instrument, that hopefully our children would enjoy music so that they also played instruments of their choice. I wanted variety. I hoped for family gatherings of singing, playing music, and warm drinks.

For so long I have put my thoughts toward what my someday could be and what I wanted it to be that I missed something.

Sunday night, I realized I have what I've dreamed for, longed for, hoped for.

Sunday night's sunset was gorgeous. As I drove to my good friends' house, looking at that sunset, I felt the love of God. And it brought tears to my eyes. I hope I feel like that every time I contemplate how deep and strong and powerful His love is.

When I arrived at the house, I partook of a light meal and much joy with dear friends. I went caroling with dear friends, old friends refound, new friends. Once we arrived back at the house to warm up with some cider and more songs around a piano, I finally realized...this is the home I've been longing for. It's one part anyway.

Faithful friends who are dear to us, gather near to us once more. Just like in the song. It's been another year since the last caroling party, and it took me until last night to realize that what I've been longing for isn't, for now at least, to be found in my own little property with four walls and a roof. I'm not a homeowner; I'm not married; I don't have kids. But these aren't reasons for me to not have this home and family that I've yearned for. I have it now.

Sunday night, I realized yet one more way in which God has given me a wonderful gift. I had thought I would have to wait for an unknown, painfully long time before I could have the house filled with loved ones and song that I've dreamed of. But God's gift is that I don't have to wait. I simply have to see what He has put before me.

photo used with permission

And my heart has found a home.

One of many.

I look forward to discovering the rest.